THE HULKGAMECRIT PODCAST: WUB WUB WUB WUB EDITION

THIS WEEK LEMON , PRINNY, AND CLAYTON CHAT WITH DDG-CAST ABOUT *WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB*

DISCUSSION POINTS!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB!

DDG!

WUB!

WUB!

WUB BEARS!

WUB!

DA NA NA NA, NA NA NA CAN'T WUB THIS!

MUSIC THIS WEEK IS FROM BORDERLANDS AND BLEACH!

DDG-CAST EPISODE 1

ONE OF THE HULK MINIONS GATHERED UP SOME FOLLOWERS, AND THEY NOW HAVE A PODCAST!

O.M.G. CLAYTON IS SMASHING FOR ONCE!

GOD HELP US ALL! HERE COMES A CLAYTON ARTICLE!

I was looking at something stillgray posted earlier today about the mass effect 3 demo and its lack luster performance at enticing anyone to want to play the game.

What I found surprising is that maybe half of it sounded a lot like the demo I played at pax, but had gone through some horrific tweaking that instead of making the demo better, or focused on getting everyone ready for ME3 , had gone out of its way to permanently damage their chances of this game even being something that people would even want to buy.

so as an act of torture, I'm now going to view this horrific " monstrosity " yet again and post my thoughts along the way.

1 minute: in traditional fashion we see a quick intro going over how humanity has entered the realm of space. Unfortunately for those that aren't speed readers... you won't be able to read the entire thing in time. #ClaytonSmash

10 minutes: wow.... it took ten whole minutes before we see any action what so ever. Yes it's a good idea to reflect the idea that Shepherd is back home, the people are blind as to how f******* they are right now and in the immediate future. Now that I think about it... Why are the citizens always blind right before they get screwed in these type of stories? Infinite Space ran with that angle in the first arc and then focused in the second arc how its a lesson as to why we shouldn't be like this. Maybe someone should make a game where the people actually listen, just to give people a frame of reference.

15 minutes: A lot of walking, Shepherd apparently owing Anderson a thousand favors ( never explained ), we see this new enemy called " cannibal " before we know what they are or what they do, and now some walking with a weak melee segment.

20 minutes: I got to use the omni blade.... wait... when did I get the omni blade? did i always have the omni blade? who gave it to me? was I wearing it during that fancy meeting with the big wigs 5 minutes in? Security really is terrible around here.

25 minutes: A massive explosion just caused me to get slammed into a wall at 50 mph and then slid me down said wall for at least 50 feet. No scrapes or bruising anywhere.

30 minutes: I just moved someone out of a building... bridge...thing.... wait... the way the building came down would suggest that leg was just torn off. Maybe I just missed something when that new enemy type decided to fly by.

35 minutes: Finally a real fire fight.... with a rifle i just suddenly have that feels awfully weakened when compared to the last game... and i cant take a shot for ****.

Wow.... a lot of objects getting stuck in my shepherd character. I can't see what I'm shooting at.

It seems to be more difficult to control ai units then I previously remembered. Hell, I can't even tell if they are doing anything.

Almost every character sounds different, and I'm now plagued with a sea of text that I can't read due to the game loading quickly.... again.

40 minutes: We just sloppily shifted to a different part of the story without much say as to why, annnnd now Wrex is hitting on Liara while we're trying to save some women for Wrex. Dear god this doesn't make much sense. I need some god damn context.

And now I've magically unlocked what looks like a shotgun and a machine gun.... again....context.

.....wait.... Now for some reason Mordin Solis is moving a little bit behind some bullet proof glass. Why is he in the glass? Why hasn't he said hi yet?

oh my god... I now have 23 points to spend. What a massive level up

Fitness really shouldn't be something we can upgrade. It would be far more interesting to have it improve throughout the progress in the story line.

45 minutes: All of the characters other then shepherd play out specific ways. We really don't need to add the points in ourselves during a DEMO, Bioware. Save us some bloody time and let us get immersed.

wow... Mordin just starts randomly talking, no, "Hi Shepherd" or anything. It leaves me the impression that we just suddenly shifted in the story line again without ever informing the player. That's really messed up.

What the ****? why is Cerberus fighting us? Are they with the enemy? Are they indoctrinated? They just suddenly started shooting up the place while Mordin is screaming something about a check point.... What? did shepherd and Mordin decide to have a mission briefing before the demo and they just want the players to sit along for the ride? This is getting ridiculous.

50 minutes: OK...another firefight. I specifically remember being able to sneak through this one while my ai buddies keep them distracted.

51 minutes: OH GOD, THE AI BUDDIES MOVED WHEN I TOLD THEM TO STAY PUT! I'M DYING!

53 minutes: * restart *

54 minutes: Kirrahe makes a sudden appearance, and then seems to disappear from the combat zone while the cut-scene suggests otherwise. Out of all the places in the galaxy for Kirrahe to be , Why is he suddenly appearing at this base? Context is something Bioware seems to be completely ignoring right now.

57 minutes: Kirrahe is gone... i'm going to assume he's taking a break from all this bull****.

58 minutes: TONS of new enemy types are now being thrown at me. These things really need to happen in waves at separate intervals. An overload of information can cause just as much damage as not giving enough information. I'm beginning to think they chose the wrong level for the second half of this demo.

I'm having trouble controlling where I'm shooting and where my ai buddies get sent... it feels clunkier then ME2. The shielded enemy just took damage when the shield wasn't damaged. Bioware needs to understand what shielding looks like , how it acts when fired at, and what NEEDS to happen before a solider would be damaged.

60 minutes: I'm at the second check point. First the " security " was damaged and now the elevator is down. Both of those things are stuff that Mordin specializes in, and through his magical omni tool he could probably do this job from 150 feet away. Especially considering how we upgraded the **** out of it during ME2. Why is shepherd needed to click the fancy holo button? is his omni tool like the master key? even though I'm a solider right now that does not specialize in hacking?

65 minutes: re routed power at third check point by pulling something. How shepherd just figured out how alien technology worked without the specialist ( which is on the radio comm) explaining it, is beyond me.

" DON'T LET THEM NEAR THE FEMALE!"

SHE HAS A NAME YOU JACKASS!

70 minutes: I just killed 4 guys in a row, right next to each other, with melee, without any of them shooting at me. They just watched.....

I just leveled up, but I wasn't fighting anybody. No signals on the screen to boot. Was this a delay from the earlier watchers or was this level up caused by a triggered event?

Wow.... we just had to do a bypass without anyone explaining how the new bypasses worked.... That's a serious game design violation....

Jumping, vaulting, and climbing shouldn't be event specific. They should be a natural part of controls just like running and walking.

73 minutes: Mordin needed my "approval" to save the " female " and now I'm fighting a giant mech that has insane weaponry.... but only ever shoots at me. This is nothing more then a poor tank boss.

wow... its about half as strong as it was at pax.... why did they make it weaker?

Wrex was the first one to leave the ship... and yet he's the the one to pick me up with the ship.

I still don't know why I was this mission to begin with....

Apparently Shepherd doesn't know why Cerberus is here... even though they were expecting them like a bride on her wedding day at the beginning.

I'm not buying this game anytime soon....

THE HULKGAMECRIT PODCAST! YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH DLC EDITION!

THIS WEEK PRINNIE CLAY AND THE LEMONHATCHET TALK ABOUT BAD GAME TITLES! VIDEOGAME PHILOSOPHY! AND SELECTIVE HEARING!

DISCUSSION POINTS!

LEMONHATCHET-TISM!

FOOD = AWESOME!

HULK= SAGELY ADVICE!

TRENDING TOPICS!

SEXY GAME TITLES!

BAD KITTY!

WTF?

ANGRY BIRDS MARKET EXPANSION!

THE DOUBLEFINE CONUNDRUM!

THQ = DEAD!

RANDOM KNOCKER!

SONY BULL****!

VITA BULL****!

MINION BULL****!

YOU NEED MOH DLC!

PRINNIE LOSES IT!

MUSIC THIS WEEK IS FROM KINGDOM HEARTS AND ELFEN LIED!

MINIONS FOUND MORE STRANGE STUFF!

THE HULKGAMECRIT PODCAST! DOUBLEFINE HAS ALL OF OUR MONEY EDITION!

THIS WEEK CLAYTON, ANDRE, AND DAVID DISCUSS EVEN MORE GAME FAILS, FINAL FANTASIES, AND REPERCUSSIONS OF CONSTANTLY FIGHTING ON THE PODCAST!

DISCUSSION POINTS:

FINAL FANTASY 13!

FIGHT NUMBER 1!

TIME!

DOUCHE?

GERMAN DEMOGRAPHIC!

SPARKLES!

RECOOOME!

THQ FAILURES!

DOUBLE FINE SUCCESSES!

FIGHT NUMBER 2!

HARRY POTTER!

TWILIGHT!

MORE INTERRUPTIONS!

FIGHT NUMBER 3!

THE SEARCH FOR MORE MINIONS!

THIS WEEKS MUSIC IS FROM FINAL FANTASY 13-2 AND ELFEN LIED!

HULK IS SEARCHING FOR MORE MINIONS! CONTACT HULK IF YOU'D LIKE TO WORK ON SOME SILLY HULK PROJECTS!

WATCH THIS!

MAGFEST WANDERINGS! : A HIGHER SOCIETY DISCUSSION

( THIS ONE WAS ALSO SUPPOSED TO GO UP ON A DIFFERENT WEBSITE... BUT HULK IS TIRED OF WAITING FOR THEM.)

BEING SEVERAL MONTHS SINCE HULK HAD GONE TO A CONVENTION ( OR DONE REALLY ANYTHING OTHER THEN, SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! PREPARE FOR GRADUATION! SMASH SMASH! AND EVEN MORE SMASHING!). HULK ENTERED MAGFEST WITH ABOUT MEDIUM HOPEFUL ASPECTS OF HAVING A GOOD TIME! HULK WAS MORE INTERESTED IN JUST HAVING A BREAK! BEING HULK IS ****** EXHAUSTING!

WITH THAT BEING SAID , HULK WAS JAW TO THE FLOOR SHOCKED TO NOT JUST SEE GAMERS RUNNING AROUND PLAYING GAMES, LISTENING IN ON THE AWESOME CONCERTS, BUT ALSO HAVE SERIOUS SOMEWHAT FRANK DISCUSSIONS ON THE GAME INDUSTRY! HULK SAID OUTLOUD, " DID HULK JUST ENTER THE TWILIGHT ZONE? AND WHY DOES EVERYONE SOUND LIKE A MEMBER OF HIGHER GAME CRITIQUE SOCIETY THAT REQUIRES PHD'S FOR ENTRY?" AT WHICH THEY RESPONDED WITH GREAT CHEER AND GUSTO, " BECAUSE WE CARE".

ONE OF THE BIGGEST DISCUSSION POINTS ON FRIDAY DURING MAGFEST WAS A NEW WEBSITE CALLED "VOX MEDIA". SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT HOPPED INTO OUR DISCUSSION BELIEVED THAT VOX IS GOING TO BE EPIC, AND NO ONE IN THE ROOM COULD DISAGREE! ONE PERSON IN THE GROUP HOWEVER FELT AS IF THE ENTIRE SITUATION WAS JUST A LITTLE WEIRD! AS IF GRABBING ALL THOSE VERY HIGH END INDIVIDUALS AND THEN INCREMENTAL MASSIVE PR PUSH FELT A LITTLE BIT OFF! AS IF VOX WAS TRYING TO GAIN A MASSIVE CORNER OF THE MARKET OR AT LEAST BITING OFF MORE THEN WHAT ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE COULD EVER CHEW!

HULK AT THIS POINT HAD TO STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT! VOX HAD CERTAINLY GRABBED A LOT OF TALENT OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS! ( SOME OF THEM HULK EVEN ADMIRES) AND THE GAMER WAS SPOT ON ABOUT THE MASSIVE PR PUSH FEELING KIND OF... WELL "OFF" . AT THE TIME HULK JUST LISTENED TO THE GAMERS AGRUE WITH A TWINGE OF PRIDE IN HULK'S HEART, BUT AFTER A FEW DAYS OF THINKING ABOUT IT, HULK FINALLY HAS AN ANSWER FOR THEM!

A PHRASE HULK HEARS QUITE OFTEN IN HULK'S LIFE IS, " NOTHING LASTS FOREVER" AND VOX SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND THIS MORE THEN ANYONE! BY FINDING GREAT TALENT AND WORKING THE PR AS HARD AS IT CAN WITHOUT BREAKING..... THEY ARE TRYING TO SET THEMSELVES UP ON AS HIGH A HIGH POINT RIGHT AT LAUNCHING IN HOPES THAT THE MOMENTUM WILL PROLONG THEIR EXISTENCE! HULK HOWEVER SEES ONE FATAL FLAW THAT A LOT OF GAME DEVS AT MAGFEST ( THAT WISH TO REMAIN UNKNOWN) ALSO NOTICED!

MONEY!

VOX MEDIA HAS PLACED AN INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY INTO THIS PROJECT! (REPORTS SUGGEST MILLIONS) THE EXACT AMOUNT IS UNKNOWN, BUT THE AMOUNT IS STILL STAGGERING ENOUGH THAT HULK CAN'T EVER IMAGINE THEM PAYING IT OFF OR GENERATING ENOUGH FROM ADS TO MAKE THIS A LONG TERM, LUCRACTIVE INVESTMENT. PROJECTS LIKE THIS ALWAYS HAVE A TIME TABLE! SO BY PUSHING THE PR HARD AND BRINGING IN GREAT TALENT YOUR PROLONGING HOW LONG THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE CAN BE! WITH ALL THAT BEING SAID THOUGH... HULK CAN'T IMAGINE THIS SYSTEM WORKING GOOD FOR ANYTHING LONGER THEN 5 YEARS! WITH SO MUCH PRESSURE BEING PLACED ON EACH PERSON INVOLVED AND THE NEED TO MAKE MASSIVE PROFITS! HULK THINKS THE ABILITY TO EXPERIMENT! CREATE! AND PRODUCE CONTENT THAT HAS MADE US ALL LAUGH AND ENJOY THE GAMING CULTURE FOR YEARS WILL NOT EXACTLY BE THE SAME!

THEN AGAIN, HULK COULD VERY WELL BE WRONG! AND HULK WILL EAT THE HUMBLE PIE WHEN THAT HAPPENS! HULK IS STILL HIGHLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THIS EXPERIMENT AND HULK IS REALLY GLAD THAT GAMERS AT MAGFEST WERE WILLING TO ARGUE OVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS SO PASSIONATELY!

LET HULK KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ON TWITTER!

MAGFEST WANDERING! : WHISPERS OF GAMER SOCIETY

( THIS ORIGINALLY WAS SUPPOSED TO GO UP ON ANOTHER SITE... BUT THEY SEEM TO BE HAVING ISSUES...)

MAGFEST THIS YEAR FEATURED SEVERAL INTERESTING PANELS ( THE ONES THAT ALLOWED CONVERSATIONS WERE BETTER!) AND SOME VERY FASCINATING THEORIES POPPED UP OVER THE WEEKEND!

ON THE FIRST DAY HULK HEARD THE PHRASE " THE GAME INDUSTRY IS LIKE A PENDULUM SWING WHEN IT COMES TO GAME TUTORIALS.... TEN YEARS AGO THEY HARDLY HAD ANY! OR RATHER THEY WERE SMALL AND MEANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD SUBCONCIOUSLY, WHERE AS TODAY THEY CAN VERY WELL BE OVER 20 ***** HOURS LONG AND RUIN ANY CHANCE OF A PLAYER EVER GETTING INTO THE GAME! "

POPULAR FIGURES LIKE EGORAPTER HAVE ALSO MADE SIMILAR STATEMENTS IN THE PAST, BUT THEY NEVER ONCE GAVE AN EXPLAINATION OF HOW TO DO A SHORT TUTORIAL IN A MORE COMPLICATED GAME LIKE YOU SEE TODAY!

HULK FEELS LIKE HULK NEEDS TO GO ON RECORD IN SAYING A 20 HOUR TUTORIAL IS ABSOLUTELY ***** RIDICULOUS, UNLESS ITS FOR SOMETHING IN THE SIMULATION OR MILITARY TRAINING GAME SPACES, AND HULK THINKS THE PUNDULUM SYMBOLOGY FITS IN REALLY WELL HERE! WE NEED TO FIND A BALANCE AND THEN STOP PEOPLE FROM WRECKING IT! THUS PREVENTING THAT PENDULUM FROM SWINGING ANY FURTHER! OR AT LEAST PREVENT IT FROM SWINGING ANY HIGHER!

THE NEXT THEORY HULK HEARD REVOLVED AROUND WHICH METHODS LEADS TO BETTER MARKETTING IN GAMES! ( A LOT OF THIS HULK HAS NEVER HEARD BEFORE) AND THEY RANGED FROM RELEASING DEMOS GUARANTEES A MASSIVE LOSS IN SALES! ( ACCORDING TO EEDAR ANYWAY) TO FOCUSING ON ONE MARKET HURTS YOUR CHANCES WITH ANOTHER MARKET ( NO ONE INCLUDING THE SPEAKER BELIEVED THAT ONE, BUT WE STILL DISCUSSED IT NONE THE LESS).

HULK FOUND THE TOPICS TO BE INTERESTING, BUT ALSO REFLECTED LARGER PROBLEMS WITH THE GAME INDUSTRY ITSELF! FOR INSTANCE, THE EEDAR REPORT DOES NOT SHOW IF THE DEMOS IN QUESTION WERE ACTUALLY WELL DONE OR NOT! HULK HAS SEEN COUNTLESS TIMES WHERE THE DEMO AND ACTUAL GAME WERE NOT ANYWHERE ON THE SAME PAGE! ONE EXCELLENT EXAMPLE WAS THE STEAM DEMO OF DRAGON AGE 2! THE DEMO WAS SO UNSIGHTLY BALANCED THAT NO MATTER WHAT HULK TRIED YOU WERE COMPLETELY SLAUGHTERED BY THE SECOND BOSS FIGHT! IF THE DEMO DOESN'T WORK RIGHT! ISN'T BALANCED RIGHT! THEN WHY THE **** WOULD HULK EVER BUY THE GAME? WHICH LEADS RIGHT INTO THE RESEARCH THAT EEDAR HAD DONE! A TRAILER SELLS GAMES BETTER...... WHY EXACTLY?

BECAUSE TRAILERS ARE HORRIBLY MISLEADING!

A REALLY GREAT EXAMPLE OF THIS IS DEAD ISLAND! MANY( INCLUDING HULK) SAW THAT TRAILER AND IMMEDIATELY BELIEVED THAT DEAD ISLAND WAS GOING TO BE BEYOND WORDS EPIC! ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THE GAME ITSELF IS SO BUGGY AND POORLY PLANNED THAT MOST GAMERS WERE HOPING THEY COULD GET A REFUND! ( WHICH IS WHY HULK NOW ALWAYS BUYS ON AMAZON)

AS TO THE OTHER SUBJECT ON HOW MARKETTING TO ONE GROUP DECREASES THE OTHER.... ARE YOU DOING PROPROTIAL AND EQUAL MARKETTING? THEIR HAVE NOT BEEN MANY GAMES THAT ACTUALLY MARKETTED APROPRIATELY TO MALE AND FEMALE AUDIENCES! AND DONT EVEN GET HULK STARTED ON OUR INDUSTRIES FAILURE TO PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SKIN TONES! WE NEED TO DO BETTER!

HULK THINKS INDIVIDUALS THAT ARE THINKING MORE ABOUT THE MONEY THEN THE AUDIENCE SHOULDN'T REALLY BE IN THE PR DEPARTMENT TO BEGIN WITH!

WHEN YOUR IN PR, YOU ARE BY DEFAULT A PEOPLE PERSON! YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO READ YOUR AUDIENCE! UNDERSTAND THAT AUDIENCE! AND KNOW HOW TO EXPAND THAT AUDIENCE! IN A WAY YOUR CREATING A CULTURE WITH YOUR PRODUCT AT ITS CORE!

THE LAST THEORY HULK WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HERE IS A BIT UNSETTLING...WHY DO MEN ACT LIKE ASSHOLES TO WOMEN ONLINE THAT THEY DONT EVEN KNOW? THE PANEL NOT ONLY STUDIED THE SUBJECT BUT ALSO HAD THOUSANDS OF MESSAGES RECEIVED ON XBOX LIVE WHEN ONE OF THEIR ACCOUNTS WAS PRAISED AS A GAMER OF THE WEEK!

ELISA ARGUED THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG CREATING AVATARS AND BEING ANOMYNOUS ONLINE, A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF MEN JUST ASSUME THEY CAN BE TOTAL ASSHOLES ONLINE WITHOUT ANY KIND OF CONSEQUENCE! ( SHE GOT THAT ONE NAILED) AND SINCE CHOKE-A-COLA IS NOT SOMETHING THAT HULK CAN JUST START DISHING OUT ON A DAILY BASIS, WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. THE ENTIRE PANEL OF SPEAKERS COULDN'T REALLY COME UP WITH A STRONG PERFECT ANSWER AS TO HOW WE CAN FIX THE PROBLEM, AND HULK CAN'T REALLY BLAME THEM!

WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY WHERE POLITICIANS ARE SENDING DICK PICS AND THREATENING TEENAGE GIRLS ONLINE WITHOUT EVER KNOWING WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY DO! MORE OVER THE GAME INDUSTRIES MARKETTING IS HIGHLY UNPROFESSIONAL! AND IN SOME CASES STRAIGHT UP ***** OFFENSIVE!

IF THESE DISCUSSIONS SOUND LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D ENJOY... THEN GO TO NEXT YEARS MAGFEST!

HULK CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH HOW AWESOME IT WAS!

PERFECT TIMING!

WHETHER IT BE SNARKY HILARIOUS COMMENTARY ON OUR POLITICIANS OR RELEASING A VIDEOGAME.... TIMING IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD ALWAYS KEEP IN
MIND!

TAKE FOR INSTANCE THE SAD AND CONFUSING STATE OF THE LAST GUARDIAN!

LIKE SO MANY FANS THAT CAME BEFORE HULK, WE ALL JUMPED OUT OF OUR CHAIRS WITH JOY AND IMMEDIATELY RAN OUTSIDE OUR HULK CAVES SCREAMING ABOUT HOW TEAM ICO WAS FINALLY RELEASING ANOTHER INCREDIBLE GAME SO SOON AFTER SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS HAD ROCKED OUR WORLDS! ( CONSIDERING HOW SHADOW TOOK OVER 7 YEARS TO MAKE IT WAS REALLY SHORT TO HULK...ANYWAYS)

SONY GOT THE REACTION THEY WANTED! FANS WERE ECSTATIC! THEY WERE READY TO BUY! AND WERE EVEN FILLING OUT PREORDERS TO CELEBRATE THE OCCASION!

.... THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS THAT SONY HAD NOTHING TO SHOW AFTER WORDS....

WHEN ASKED FOR MORE DETAILS, THEY HAD NOTHING TO TELL! WHEN WE ASKED FOR A RELEASE DATE, AGAIN THEY HAD NOTHING TO GIVE!

SONY HAD PRIORITIZED MAKING THEMSELVES LOOK GOOD OVER THE IMPORTANCE AND SUCCESS OF THEIR FUTURE PRODUCTS!

IN THE WORLD OF MEDIA, PEOPLE NEED TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT MOMENT TO ANNOUNCE FURTHER DETAILS! BECAUSE IN THE WORLD OF MARKETING , YOU NEED TO BE ON THE BALL THE MOMENT ANY PIECE OF INFORMATION ON YOUR PRODUCT HAS BEEN RELEASED TO THE PEOPLE!

IF YOU WERE TO GRAPH ANTICIPATION HULK IMAGINES THAT IT SHOULD LOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS!

WITHIN THAT GREY AREA IS WHEN A MARKETING OR MEDIA TEAM WILL BE FOCUSED ON PROMOTING THEIR PRODUCT! AND THE NEWS THEY PRESENT WILL EITHER MAKE THEIR GRAPH CONTINUE RISING UP , OR MAKE EVERYTHING START TO FALL!

HULK WOULD LIKE TO STOP FOR A MOMENT AND REMIND EVERYONE HOW SHITTY THE NEWS HAS BEEN! IF YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HULK IS TALKING ABOUT...GO VIEW HULK'S PODCAST!

HULK ALSO WONDERS WHY THE F*** ANY GAME PUBLISHER WOULD EVER ANNOUNCE OR CONSIDER RELEASING DLC, DAY ONE DLC, AND ONLINE PASSES WHEN ALL OF IT CLEARLY HAS A NEGATIVE REACTION.... DOES MAKING A LITTLE MORE MONEY THROUGH TERRIBLE ETHICS MEAN RISKING YOUR GAMES MARKETING POTENTIAL?

ANYWAY... THIS IS WHAT LAST GUARDIANS GRAPH PROBABLY LOOKS LIKE!

DUE TO THE TRAILER BEING RELEASED OUT OF NOWHERE THEY HAD AN INCREDIBLE START! BUT BECAUSE OF THEIR INABILITY TO GIVE FURTHER DETAILS OR ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS THEIR ANTICIPATION HAS FALLEN HARSHLY!

MORE SO THAT ANTICIPATION HAS ALSO BEEN REPLACED WITH NEGATIVE QUESTIONS LIKE " IS THE GAME EVEN COMING OUT? WHY ARE ALL OF THEIR LEADERS QUITTING? WHY WERE THEY MOVED TO SONY HQ? AND OMG I'M NEW AT THIS WHAT IS THE LAST GUARDIAN?!?!?!"

THAT LAST ONE IS ACTUALLY SIGNALING A NEW PROBLEM! THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT WERE ONCE INTERESTED IN THE LAST GUARDIAN HAVE NOW GIVEN UP ON GAMING! THE LAST GUARDIAN DEMOGRAPHIC IS USUALLY HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW THAT ISN'T TRYING TO BE A WH*** ON THE INTERNET, AND POSSIBLY HAS SOME CONNECTION TO THEIR EXISTENCE IN GENERAL.

PEOPLE LIKE THIS ARE SOME OF THE SMARTEST MOST ENTERTAINING PEOPLE HULK CAN THINK OF, AND THEY ARE ALSO ANGERED BY HOW FUCKING LONG THEY NEED TO WAIT BEFORE FINDING ANOTHER GAME THAT CAN SATIATE THEIR THIRST!

WE ALSO FIND NEW PEOPLE ENTERING THE MARKET EVERY YEAR! AND THEY MOST LIKELY WOULD NEVER HEAR OF THE LAST GUARDIAN UNLESS MENTIONED BY A FRIEND! WHICH MEANS SONY ( GOD FORBID) IS ACTUALLY GOING TO NEED TO RE-MARKET AND SOMEHOW RE-IMAGE THE GAME SO THAT WE SOMEHOW FORGIVE THAT REMAKE INSTEAD OF THE AFOREMENTIONED SEQUEL!

IN SHORT, SONY REALLY F******* UP ON THIS ONE!

AS FAKE PSN HAS MENTIONED (OR AT LEAST HINTED AT) SONY DOES NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE DANGERS AND JOYS OF MARKETING IN THE SLIGHTEST! THEY RELEASE ONE BAD STORY AFTER ANOTHER, TRY TO COVER UP HOW BADLY THEY WERE HACKED, AND HAVE DONE NOTHING OF ANY SHEER VALUE OR EFFORT TO KEEP THEIR FAN BASE INTERESTED IN THEM OR WHAT THEY DO!

WHETHER ITS A YELLOW LIGHT OF DEATH, OR JUST TRYING TO GET CUSTOMER SERVICE TO ANSWER A QUESTION IN PLAIN ENGLISH.... SONY HAS DONE EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO BE AS UNINTUITIVE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

HULKSMASH!

NOW THAT HULK THINKS ABOUT IT... THEY DID USE SOME CHEAP "OMG LOOK AT THIS PICTURE WHAT DOES IT MEAN??????" TACTIC ... BUT THEN DID ALMOST NOTHING WITH IT.....SAD....

THE HULKGAMECRIT PODCAST SPECIAL! SOLID SNAKE EDITION!

THIS WEEK CLAYTON CHATS WITH SOLID SNAKE ABOUT ANIME, EXPOSITION, THE FALLING OF THE JRPG, HIS OBSESSION WITH HARSH CLIMATES AND 10 EASY STEPS FOR BETTER CARDBOARD BOX MAINTENANCE! ( not really)

DISCUSSION POINTS!

FOLLOWERS = AWESOMESAUCE

ANIME!

VALKYRIA!

ASIAN SOCIETIES OBSESSION WITH MASSIVE *****!

BASTION!

SKIES OF ARCADIA!

SOLID SNAKE IMPRESSIONS!

METAL GEAR STORYLINE = BULLSHIT

ELMO IMPRESSIONS!

METAL GEAR W.H.E.E.L.!

COMMERCIAL!

BACKSTORY!

WHORING THEMSELVES OUT!

JUST WINGING IT!

MUSIC THIS WEEK IS FROM SNAKE EATER!

THE HULKGAMECRIT PODCAST! OPEN DOOR LEMON HATCHET POLICY!

ON THIS WEEKS PODCAST ANDRE, CLAYTON, AND DAVID EXPLORE THE WIDE AND DIVERSE WORLD OF LEMON BASED WEAPONRY!

DISCUSSION POINTS!

PLIERS TO THE DICK!

MASS EFFECT DECEPTION **** UPS!

FINANCIAL CRASHES!

SONY CEO HAS A REALLY LONG CRY!

HULK LOVES YOU JOYSTIQ!

FINDING YOUR INNER RADIO TALKSHOW VOICE!

LEMON HATCHET!

CLAYTON STARTS CRYING!

RICCITIELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MASSIVE PAYCUTS!

MASSIVE LAY OFFS!

THE PS3 POOP REMOVAL SYSTEM!

THE LEMON IS ON A HATCHET AND IS ON FIRE!

THE WILD LEMON HATCHET APPEARS!

A LOT OF WEIRD ACCENTS!

MORE LEMON BASED WEAPONRY!

DOWNLOAD

THIS WEEKS MUSIC IS FROM GITAROO MAN AND NARUTO!

IF YOU LIKE THE PODCAST... THEN TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT!

HERE'S SOME VIDEOS MINIONS FOUND HILARIOUS!

JP AND THE MAGIC OF WORDS!

A FEW DAYS ( weeks ) AGO HULK AND CLAYTON WENT TO MAGFEST! AND AS RESULT HULK MET UP WITH J.P. TO LISTEN TO HIS LATEST RAMBLINGS AND MAYBE FINALLY GET THAT LUNCH WE NEVER GOT AT PAX PRIME BECAUSE J.P. IS JUST WAYY TOO FAMOUS!

BETWEEN DELICIOUS BURGERS, HEARING STORIES ABOUT PIXAR, FORGETTING AND FINDING OUT DANIEL HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR YEARS! .... J.P. SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE HULK TWIST AND TURN WHILE CLAYTON HAD THE GULL TO JUST SIT AND STAY QUIET!

"WORDS ARE THE WEAKEST WAY TO TELL A STORY IN GAMES"

- KEEPER OF THE GAMING FIRE,

JAMES PORTNOW

HULK CAN INTERPRET THIS SENTENCE IN A WHOLE MATTER OF DIFFERENT WAYS, EACH OF WHICH HULK COULD SMASH TO HIGH HEAVEN! HULK HOWEVER WILL BE NICE TO J.P. AND JUST ASSUME THAT HE'S MAKING A VERY BROAD STATEMENT THAT COVERS EVERYTHING FROM WRITEN DIALOUGE TO ETCHINGS ON THE WALL! BECAUSE HULK IS JUST HORRIBLY CYNICAL LIKE THAT!

HULK WILL AGREE THAT WITH SAMPLES LIKE " CAN LOVE BLOOM ON THE BATTLEFIELD?" ," YOU THINK YOU DIE AND THATS THAT HMM? YOU DIE AND EVERYTHING IS JUST SUGAR AND RAINBOWS?" , AND THE EVER CLASSIC " ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" THAT THINGS IN THE GAME INDUSTRY HAVE BEEN ALITTLE ABRASIVE IN THE PAST...... TO SAY THE LEAST!

BUT TO ACCUSE WORDS....WORDS! OF BEING THE WEAKEST WAY TO TELL A STORY?!? FOR SHAME ON YOU SIR! IN RECENT YEARS WE HAVE THINGS LIKE BASTION! WHICH USED ALL KINDS OF FANCY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS WHITE HAIRED KID THAT LOOKS ABOUT 12 (BUT IS SECRETLY 35) IS SLICING THROUGH THE JUNGLE WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION! WALKING AROUND IN WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBE AS BLUE RADIACTIVE BIRD ****! AND NOT TOO LONG AGO WE HAD THE GAME " THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU" ( OH WHAT'S THAT? A J.P. FAVORITE YOU SAY?) WHERE EVERYTHING FROM THE GRIFFITI TO THE CHARACTERS MOOD WAS DELICIOUSLY BEING EXPLAINED IN TEXT! WE COULD EVEN READ OTHER PEOPLES MINDS!

BOOM! HULKSMASH!

NOW THAT HULK IS DONE SMASHING PORTNOW FOR NOT USING HIS WORDS EFFICIENTLY ( FOR ONCE). HULK WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THE WAYS IN WHICH WORDS CAN GET BETTER IN THE GAME INDUSTRY!

A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THAT LUNCH , CLAYTON MENTIONED HOW AN ANIME CALLED FATE ZERO HAD SUDDENLY GAINED ALL OF HIS ATTENTION! AND MAYBE EVEN ONE DAY ALL OF HIS MONEY! CLAYTON IS NOT EXACTLY THE BIGGEST FAN OF ANIME, BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE A GOOD SHOW WILL POP BY AND THEN CLAYTON WILL NEED TO WATCH THE REST OF THE SERIES TO SEE HOW THINGS DEVELOPE! FATE ZERO ON MORE THEN ONE OCCASION HAS STARTED ASKING VERY DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT SELF WORTH, INDIVIDUALISM, PSYCHOLOGY, WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE FAITH, AND CLAYTONS PERSONAL FAVORITE! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TYRANT AND A KING.

HULK WOULD LIKE TO SHOW A DIALOUGE SAMPLE!

BEFORE HULK GOES INTO SAMPLE HULK SHOULD EXPLAIN SOME THINGS FIRST! SEVERAL OF THE CHARACTERS IN FATE ZERO ARE SITTING DOWN, DISCUSSING THEMSELVES, AND EXPLAINING WHY THEY WANT THE HOLY GRAIL!

ARCHER WANTS IT STRICTLY BECAUSE OF GREED! HE BELIEVES HE IS THE GENESIS OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND BAD THROUGHTOUT THE WORLD! SO BY DEFAULT THE GRAIL BELONGS IN HIS COLLECTION!

RIDER WANTS IT FOR A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE! HE DOESNT FEEL REGRET FOR PAST MISTAKES! AND JOKINGLY ADMITS TO MAYBE DOING EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN! (CLAYTON BLIEVES A SECOND REASON EXISTS THAT THE CREATORS HAVEN'T DELVED INTO YET... PERHAPS SOME PAST GOAL NEVER ACCOMPLISHED)

SABER WANTS TO USE THE GRAIL TO FIND A BETTER CHOICE AS KING! SHE TOOK ON THE RESPONSIBILITY OF LEADING AND DEFENDING A COUNTRY OVER HER OWN DESIRE AND WISHES! IN A WAY SHE HAS STRONGER HUMANITY THAN WHAT ANYONE COULD EVER POSSIBLY MUSTER! YET AT THE SAME TIME IS MORE BROKEN THEN ANYONE ELSE!

" A KING SHOULD MAKE ANY SACRIFICE TO ENSURE HIS COUNTRY'S PROPSERITY!" - SABER

"NO, THE KING DOES NOT SACRIFICE ANYTHING! IT IS THE COUNTRY AND THE PEOPLE THAT SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THE KING. ABSOLUTELY NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!" - RIDER

"WHAT? THOSE ARE THE WORDS OF A TYRANT!" - SABER

" EXACTLY, WE ARE HEROES BECAUSE WE ARE TYRANTS! HOWEVER SABER, IF A KING REGRETS HIS RULE OR ITS CONCLUSION, THAT KING IS NOTHING BUT A FOOL! WORSE THAN A TYRANT!" - RIDER

" RIDER ( SHE ACTUALLY SAYS ISKANDAR), YOUR REIGN ENDED WITH YOUR HEIRS SLAIN, AND YOUR EMPIRE DISSOLVED INTO THREE PARTS! YOU HAVE NO REGRETS ABOUT HOW IT ENDED?" - SABER

" NONE, IF THE END WAS BROUGHT ABOUT BY MY DECISIONS AND THE WAY MY SUBJECTS LIVED, THEN I WILL ACCEPT ITS DESTRUCTION AS INEVITABLE! I SHALL GRIEVE! AND I SHALL WEEP! BUT I'LL NEVER REGRET!" - RIDER

" YOU (ANIME STEREOTYPE)" - SABER

" LET ALONE UNDO IT! SUCH AN ACT WOULD ONLY MOCK ALL THOSE WHO FOUGHT WITH ME TO BUILD MY EMPIRE!" - RIDER

THEY KEEP GOING ON FOR A WHILE AFTER THAT... THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION IS ENGROSSINGLY DIFFICULT TO BREAK DOWN INSIDE THIS ARTICLE! FURTHER MORE THEIR IS MUSIC AND SOUNDS BEING CLEVERLY USED TO EMPHASIZE MOMENTS AND HELP THE VIEWER UNDERSTAND WHEN **** IS ABOUT TO GET REAL!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE WORDS! THE DIALOUGE BEING USED HERE! NOT ONLY DOES EACH PERSON SEEM TO HAVE A VERY DESIGNED OR RATHER DELIVERED SENSE OF SELF WORTH, BUT WE'RE ALSO ABLE TO SEE FLAWS! AND THE OTHER CHARACTERS ARE EVEN HELPING TO DISCUSS THESE FLAWS!

FURTHER MORE SABER, HER MASTER, AND SEVERAL CHARACTERS FROM FATE STAY NIGHT LOOK AND ACT LIKE HUMANS... BUT WHAT THEY DO AND SAY MAKES THEM LOOK MORE LIKE AN IDEAL! A GOAL FOR ALL HUMANITY TO SEARCH AFTER, BUT MAY VERY WELL FIND YOURSELF BEING KILLED BY THE END....

HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU SEEN SOMETHING THAT DEEP BEING DISCUSSED IN A GAME? HOW OFTEN HAVE YOU SEEN A GAME DESIGNER TAKE SUCH A RISK OR CRITIQUE THE WORLD LIKE THIS INSIDE A GAME? THIS DOESN'T JUST HAVE AN ENTERTAINMENT FACTOR, OR A HISTORIC FACTOR... ITS ALSO EXTREMELY TANGENTIAL! EVEN MORE SO THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF THE ARC WAS A FREAKING BOOK, BUT THAT SHOULD PROBABLY BE DISCUSSED ELSERWHERE....

WORDS WHEN BEING THOUGHT OUT CAREFULLY, AT THE SAME KIND OF LEVEL OF FOCUS THAT WE SEE TOWARDS THINGS LIKE GAME CONCEPT AND DESIGN CAN BE OUR STRONGEST TOOL! THE DIALOUGE BEING USED THROUGHOUT FATE ZERO ( ESPECIALLY WHEN BLUE BEARD IS DISCUSSING GOD, OR SOMEONE STARTS USING POEMS TO DESCRIBE THEMSELVES) GAVE HULK GOOSEBUMPS!

CLAYTON ORIGINALLY SAID THAT THE JRPG MARKET SHOULD REALLY SIT DOWN WITH THESE GUYS AND HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHATS! HE FIRMLY BELIEVES THAT IF THE JPRG MARKET CAN GRAB EVEN AN AMPULE OF WHAT FATE ZERO IS COOKING , THEN IT WOULD FIX EVERY MAJOR ISSUE GAMERS HAVE SEEN FROM THE MARKET AS OF LATE!

HULK BELIEVES SOMETHING DIFFERENT! .... THE ENTIRE ****** INDUSTRY CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM WHAT THEY ARE COOKING! THEIR ATTENTION TO DETAIL! SHEER OBSESSION WITH PROPER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT! TRANSLATING (IN HOUSE) TO MULTIPLE LANGUAGES! AND PASSION FOR DELIVERING A BELIEVABLE PERFORMANCE!... LOOKS MORE LIKE SOMETHING YOU MIGHT SEE IN THE THEATRE THEN IN AN ANIME FROM JAPAN!

IN SHORT... WE SHOULD ALL GO WATCH FATE ZERO, AND DREAM OF GAMES WHERE THE CHARACTERS ARE VIVID! ALIVE! AND CHARACTERS LIKE VANILLE ARE SITTING IN AN UNMARKED GRAVE!